it's an outpour

It's not a sleepless night for me tonight. Actually I find it really easy for me to fall asleep sometimes, all I need to do is just lie down for long enough, and I won't even know that I closed my eyes.

But tonight I've been staying up thinking about a lot of things. It seems as though inside me there's a lot of turmoil and confusion going around. Maybe it's because I'm coming to some sort of crossroad in life, and there's a lot of growing up to be done soon.

Have you ever had the thought that you just don't know how you are? For example, you come up with a situation that you're sure you've come across before. But you find it hard to do things the way you did them before, because all of a sudden it doesn't feel right to do so, and a lot of indecision ensues. I think most of us should be reaching this stage soon. To be honest, I still haven't come to a conclusion how best should I act from now on, so I guess I'll still be stuck in limbo for now. But I think I have to make a decision soon about how I want to act, talk and think from now on.

Also, lately I've gotten the feeling that somehow I'm less able to connect with others these days. The other day I was talking with one of my friends (this time I don't think I'll be putting names) about our future directions. When I said I still wasn't able to see myself 5 years from now (partly due to this confusion I'm having), my friend told me that I'd only be doing 2 things: studying and working. I felt a little insulted to be honest, as if my common sense was being questioned. But I guess I look at things differently. To me, the future I was concerned about involved more of my dreams, whereas for most people it would be about their lives. I might be too naive in still holding on to some dreams and ideals so tightly though, but without these, I don't think I'd have the inspiration and courage to work so hard in life.

Actually, life itself can be akin to sculpting a sandcastle on the beach.

If you build your sandcastle too far away from the sea, you probably won't get a very nicely sculpted one because it'll be hard to get sea water to moisten/harden/shapen it. On the other hand, sandcastles built closer to the sea will be subjected to the enormous forces of waves crashing onto the beach.

We can compare the waves to the overwhelming forces of the outside social environment we are subjected to everyday. (Subjected sounds like a very harsh word though don't you think?) It is everywhere, and try as we might we cannot avoid it.

However, to sculpt a beautiful sandcastle, we still need a pair of skilled and inspired hands. They will be the most crucial means by which the sandcastle actually takes its form. Someone who is skilled/creative/inspired enough will come up with wonderful pieces of art by manipulating the sand and water to his fancy, whereas someone who isn't will find it hard to come up with anything that has a form.

These hands are actually our minds and our heart in process. We go through education and learn to think for ourselves. Those who have learnt well will be able to mould their lives into something that's fulfilling and enriching by taking in the things that they may find helpful from the external environment, whereas those who haven't may find that something might always be lacking in their lives, unable to stand up against the crushing forces of nature and society and having to "go with the flow".

But either way, we still need valuable lessons from the external environment to enable us to grow up into fine adults with enriching lives, or we may end up like the sandcastle that's too far inland: inherently unstable.

Right now I'm feeling a bit like the second case to be honest, being flooded and unable to handle the pressures and forces of the external environment. Yet, I'm still optimistic, because I still have these hands that can mould, don't I? In the end, how I'm going to live in future depends on the decisions I make, and the values I treasure.

I think that's all I have for tonight. Hopefully it's food for thought for all of you, but if it isn't, you can always look at the previous entries!